My dad won't get off his ass, and Will won't speak to me. Things were going too good, and I just knew, deep down, that they weren't going to last.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Good Things All Around.
My sister's moving out, my boyfriend (Will), is visiting me earlier than Christmas, if possible, and my dad's getting a job. Everything's going great. I just have to ask myself, what it going to go wrong? Whenever everything goes great, it always goes bad at some point. I just hope that something bad doesn't happen for a while.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Quick Update
It's been a while since I last posted. It's mostly because by the end of the school day, I'm exhausted and I pass out. Sorry. And another thing is, that I won't be posting on the weekends. So I can give myself a bit of a break.
Anyways. I'm up to 2G. I weigh about 255. So I'm doing well in every front.
Except my dad's drinking again and being an asshole again. My sister also had her baby, they're home now.
Yep. That's it.
Anyways. I'm up to 2G. I weigh about 255. So I'm doing well in every front.
Except my dad's drinking again and being an asshole again. My sister also had her baby, they're home now.
Yep. That's it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Obese
I am obese. I currently weigh 264 pounds, and I stand at 5'8, 5'9. In order to be considered "healthy", I need to be about 160. I need to lose 100 pounds. It's possible, and I can do it. I just need to start eating protein bars. I have a protein deficiency. I'll get some protein bars at the store this weekend. There's usually 6 bars in a box, meaning I can do for about a week on one box. If I eat one a morning.
Another thing is, that I have gym every other day, so I'll be getting good exercise. 2 miles every day, plus a bit more. Whether it be just walking throughout the day, or gym activities, it would be good for me. I can walk to school easily in the mornings, but after school, I can't. So, all this exercise is good for me. Exercise is good no matter what, but it's especially useful right now.
I might even take advantage of the weight/cardio room we have at school. They allow students to stay after to use it from the end of school 'til like 5 or something. I 'unno. But I probably don't have enough time this school year. I'm doing debate this year. And I'll be participating in the local GSA if we can get it up and running again. I don't know.
Another thing is, that I have gym every other day, so I'll be getting good exercise. 2 miles every day, plus a bit more. Whether it be just walking throughout the day, or gym activities, it would be good for me. I can walk to school easily in the mornings, but after school, I can't. So, all this exercise is good for me. Exercise is good no matter what, but it's especially useful right now.
I might even take advantage of the weight/cardio room we have at school. They allow students to stay after to use it from the end of school 'til like 5 or something. I 'unno. But I probably don't have enough time this school year. I'm doing debate this year. And I'll be participating in the local GSA if we can get it up and running again. I don't know.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My Life (So Far)
This post will be long.
My existence seems like such a burden to my family. I know I talked about this last post, but, I didn't really elaborate on it. Atleast in my mind, I didn't. The only was to really explain why I'm such a burden is to go through all the moving we've gone through. "We" being my family.
At first we lived in Des Moines, IA. We lived there for about 8 years. We lived in three different places in Des Moines. One place was in a duplex. We lived there until I was about 2, I believe. I'm not sure why we moved from the duplex, but we moved from the duplex to a two story house. A yellow one, at that.
It's a shame that the recent owners painted it gray. It looked really pretty as a yellow house. I loved that house. Except for a certain thing that happened there, in my bedroom. Don't worry, it's nothing like sexual abuse.
My room was on the second story. All there was on the second floor was my bedroom, and my parents' bedroom. On the ground floor was the kitchen, living room, dining room, and guest room.
My sister, Saber, and her ex-husband, Micheal, stayed with us for a while. I don't remember how long, exactly, but it was probably about a year. Anyways, my sister had 3 kids at the time. Nick, Cory, and Brandon. At the time, Brandon was the youngest. She has a 4th kid, now. Not sure what his name is. Anyways, Cory is only two years younger than me. So, at the time he was 4 or 5. He used to bite my all the time. Maybe that's why I have some of the curved scars on my arms.
Well, I can't remember if it was before, during, or after my sister Saber's "visit", but my sister and I were up in my bedroom. Playing with my toys and such. Well, she told me to do something, and I refused. I don't even remember what it was, to be honest. Probably to clean up her mess, or something. Honestly, I've always been kind of a slave to her. Always doing what she wants because she was stronger than me. Always because I was afraid of getting hurt. But that day, I decided to say no, and defy her. That was not a good choice. She wrapped her arm around my neck, strangling me, and she put her free hand over my mouth and nose, strangling/suffocating me.
Aside from that, another reason why I'm not too fond of that house anymore, is because my favourite pet, Rocky, died there. He was a German Shepherd. He was beautiful. He was about 6 when we got him. He died when he was 8.
Anyways, we moved from the house to a townhouse. Back then, those townhouses were very well taken care of. Now, there's ridden with animals. Not actual animals, but humans that act like animals. There, I was walking back and forth to school with my friend, Afi, at the time. She was African. Her family also kept up the African culture. It was always fun to go over to her house. Anyways, one day while we were walking to school together, an older man, he looked like he was in her late twenties, early thirties, he stopped us and asked us where we were going. See, at that age, our parents hadn't actually taught us yet to not speak to strangers, but we knew better. We didn't talk to him, we just kept going. The one bad thing about that experience was, that he was exposing his dick. We were young, so we discarded it. Obviously he was a predator, but nothing really became of the situation. We were afraid to tell, but we told the principals at school two days later, after we had had time to process that he was a danger to our community. By that time, though, he had already left the town, so he wasn't actually caught. I don't remember much about what he looked like, he was wearing a sweatshirt, and that's all I remember. He was balding, too. So he may have been older than early thirties. Not sure what his car looked like, either.
Well, a little while after that experience, my family was forced to move to South Carolina. By then I was 8. We had to move to South Carolina because of my mother's parents. Well, her father, to be specific. He was dying. Of course, he died before we had the chance to get there. And sadly, her mother died about 6 months later, 3 days before my mother's birthday, July 23rd. There's really nothing to report about South Carolina. It was boring, and nothing interesting happened. Just the same bullshit from my sister. Actually, I don't remember much of Sierra being in South Carolina. I mean, I know she was there, but I don't remember her doing anything significant, except being a bitch. Also, my mother never paid me back the money I got for my birthday back in South Carolina. Fuck.
Anyways, after South Carolina, which we lived there for about 2 years, possibly three, we moved to Tennessee. Ah, Tennessee. It was horrible there. In more ways than one. First thing off, is that my dad was unemployed for about two years. Now, within those two years, my mother had to support us. By what else other than working as a waitress! She used her tips and paychecks to pay rent, cable, electricity, and water bills. A few things happened in TN. I was harassed because of many things: my weight, my race, my personality.
There were a few good things in Tennessee. Christian, Diamond, Reeana, Grace. Those are all friends I met down there. Reeana and Grace in school, and Christian and Diamond over Twitter. There was another guy I met while I lived there, I met him online, of course; Steven. But there's no use in talking about him anymore. I've done all I could for him, and he never showed that he cared.
Nonetheless, Christian and I dated for a little while. He helped me through some stuff. A lot of stuff, but we didn't date for long. We're still friends, by some miracle, and I hope we stay that way for a while longer. Diamond is my best friend. She and I had planned to run away together, despite her living a few states away. We had everything ready, too. But we choked at the last minute. She did, more so than I. I was ready to leave my entire family. But I couldn't leave my pets. We had a dog and cat. Nala, my cat, and Rocky II, my dog. I couldn't leave them behind. She couldn't leave her little sister. I would still like to run away. Anyways, that's really all for Tennessee. Except for the fact that my dad went to jail two times. I also forgot to mention that my dad and mother got in a fight in South Carolina, he went to jail for assault, and we left him, for whatever reason. He didn't assault her. It was self-defense. I witnessed it. But they don't put any faith in little girls.
I stayed over at Reeana's one night, and that was my dad's time to act. He broke up with my mother, got a divorce. Now, during that period, I was forced to stay with Reeana. Now, I've mentioned before what happened, but not in detail. We became attracted to each other sexually one day. We aroused one another, but it didn't go any farther than that. And it really hadn't until further down the line, but I'll get into that later. I stayed there for about 3 months. I spent my birthday with her family, and had an amazing time. I got a laptop for my birthday that year. The one I'm currently using that is dying, literally. That's been about two and a half years, probably more.
Well, about a month later, I was forced to move from her house, to Ankeny, IA, where I currently live in an apartment. Not much has happened since then. I'm currently a freshman. But, I think I should elaborate on the Reeana situation a little.
Well, after I moved back up to Iowa, I visited a few times. Both of those times, we had done sexual things. Only involving our breasts and fingers. The second time I visited her, I took her virginity. I'm not sure if she believes whether I did it or not, but I do. And it was special, for me. I loved her then, and I still do. But, after I wasn't able to visit her for her birthday last year, we grew apart. And that's when she got a new girlfriend. Now, would a person really do that? Really just get over the person that took their virginity? Or did she just not care? I don't know, and I'm not going to answer it.
But, anyways, that's my life, so far. And I regret alot of things. But they made me the person I am today, and that counts for something, right?
My existence seems like such a burden to my family. I know I talked about this last post, but, I didn't really elaborate on it. Atleast in my mind, I didn't. The only was to really explain why I'm such a burden is to go through all the moving we've gone through. "We" being my family.
At first we lived in Des Moines, IA. We lived there for about 8 years. We lived in three different places in Des Moines. One place was in a duplex. We lived there until I was about 2, I believe. I'm not sure why we moved from the duplex, but we moved from the duplex to a two story house. A yellow one, at that.
It's a shame that the recent owners painted it gray. It looked really pretty as a yellow house. I loved that house. Except for a certain thing that happened there, in my bedroom. Don't worry, it's nothing like sexual abuse.
My room was on the second story. All there was on the second floor was my bedroom, and my parents' bedroom. On the ground floor was the kitchen, living room, dining room, and guest room.
My sister, Saber, and her ex-husband, Micheal, stayed with us for a while. I don't remember how long, exactly, but it was probably about a year. Anyways, my sister had 3 kids at the time. Nick, Cory, and Brandon. At the time, Brandon was the youngest. She has a 4th kid, now. Not sure what his name is. Anyways, Cory is only two years younger than me. So, at the time he was 4 or 5. He used to bite my all the time. Maybe that's why I have some of the curved scars on my arms.
Well, I can't remember if it was before, during, or after my sister Saber's "visit", but my sister and I were up in my bedroom. Playing with my toys and such. Well, she told me to do something, and I refused. I don't even remember what it was, to be honest. Probably to clean up her mess, or something. Honestly, I've always been kind of a slave to her. Always doing what she wants because she was stronger than me. Always because I was afraid of getting hurt. But that day, I decided to say no, and defy her. That was not a good choice. She wrapped her arm around my neck, strangling me, and she put her free hand over my mouth and nose, strangling/suffocating me.
Aside from that, another reason why I'm not too fond of that house anymore, is because my favourite pet, Rocky, died there. He was a German Shepherd. He was beautiful. He was about 6 when we got him. He died when he was 8.
Anyways, we moved from the house to a townhouse. Back then, those townhouses were very well taken care of. Now, there's ridden with animals. Not actual animals, but humans that act like animals. There, I was walking back and forth to school with my friend, Afi, at the time. She was African. Her family also kept up the African culture. It was always fun to go over to her house. Anyways, one day while we were walking to school together, an older man, he looked like he was in her late twenties, early thirties, he stopped us and asked us where we were going. See, at that age, our parents hadn't actually taught us yet to not speak to strangers, but we knew better. We didn't talk to him, we just kept going. The one bad thing about that experience was, that he was exposing his dick. We were young, so we discarded it. Obviously he was a predator, but nothing really became of the situation. We were afraid to tell, but we told the principals at school two days later, after we had had time to process that he was a danger to our community. By that time, though, he had already left the town, so he wasn't actually caught. I don't remember much about what he looked like, he was wearing a sweatshirt, and that's all I remember. He was balding, too. So he may have been older than early thirties. Not sure what his car looked like, either.
Well, a little while after that experience, my family was forced to move to South Carolina. By then I was 8. We had to move to South Carolina because of my mother's parents. Well, her father, to be specific. He was dying. Of course, he died before we had the chance to get there. And sadly, her mother died about 6 months later, 3 days before my mother's birthday, July 23rd. There's really nothing to report about South Carolina. It was boring, and nothing interesting happened. Just the same bullshit from my sister. Actually, I don't remember much of Sierra being in South Carolina. I mean, I know she was there, but I don't remember her doing anything significant, except being a bitch. Also, my mother never paid me back the money I got for my birthday back in South Carolina. Fuck.
Anyways, after South Carolina, which we lived there for about 2 years, possibly three, we moved to Tennessee. Ah, Tennessee. It was horrible there. In more ways than one. First thing off, is that my dad was unemployed for about two years. Now, within those two years, my mother had to support us. By what else other than working as a waitress! She used her tips and paychecks to pay rent, cable, electricity, and water bills. A few things happened in TN. I was harassed because of many things: my weight, my race, my personality.
There were a few good things in Tennessee. Christian, Diamond, Reeana, Grace. Those are all friends I met down there. Reeana and Grace in school, and Christian and Diamond over Twitter. There was another guy I met while I lived there, I met him online, of course; Steven. But there's no use in talking about him anymore. I've done all I could for him, and he never showed that he cared.
Nonetheless, Christian and I dated for a little while. He helped me through some stuff. A lot of stuff, but we didn't date for long. We're still friends, by some miracle, and I hope we stay that way for a while longer. Diamond is my best friend. She and I had planned to run away together, despite her living a few states away. We had everything ready, too. But we choked at the last minute. She did, more so than I. I was ready to leave my entire family. But I couldn't leave my pets. We had a dog and cat. Nala, my cat, and Rocky II, my dog. I couldn't leave them behind. She couldn't leave her little sister. I would still like to run away. Anyways, that's really all for Tennessee. Except for the fact that my dad went to jail two times. I also forgot to mention that my dad and mother got in a fight in South Carolina, he went to jail for assault, and we left him, for whatever reason. He didn't assault her. It was self-defense. I witnessed it. But they don't put any faith in little girls.
I stayed over at Reeana's one night, and that was my dad's time to act. He broke up with my mother, got a divorce. Now, during that period, I was forced to stay with Reeana. Now, I've mentioned before what happened, but not in detail. We became attracted to each other sexually one day. We aroused one another, but it didn't go any farther than that. And it really hadn't until further down the line, but I'll get into that later. I stayed there for about 3 months. I spent my birthday with her family, and had an amazing time. I got a laptop for my birthday that year. The one I'm currently using that is dying, literally. That's been about two and a half years, probably more.
Well, about a month later, I was forced to move from her house, to Ankeny, IA, where I currently live in an apartment. Not much has happened since then. I'm currently a freshman. But, I think I should elaborate on the Reeana situation a little.
Well, after I moved back up to Iowa, I visited a few times. Both of those times, we had done sexual things. Only involving our breasts and fingers. The second time I visited her, I took her virginity. I'm not sure if she believes whether I did it or not, but I do. And it was special, for me. I loved her then, and I still do. But, after I wasn't able to visit her for her birthday last year, we grew apart. And that's when she got a new girlfriend. Now, would a person really do that? Really just get over the person that took their virginity? Or did she just not care? I don't know, and I'm not going to answer it.
But, anyways, that's my life, so far. And I regret alot of things. But they made me the person I am today, and that counts for something, right?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Self-Harm
Self-harm is not limited to things such as: burning yourself, cutting yourself, etc. Self-harming is just you mutilating yourself either physically or mentally. I do burn myself. Not frequently, but somewhat often.
Most people do it because it helps them. For me, I do it because I think I deserve the pain I am giving myself. It started when I was ten.
I.. I uh, started, because I had broken up with a guy that loved me, but I did not feel the same way. I hurt him, badly. So, I burned myself. It was just with the head of a lighter, too. The second time was when I had fallen inlove with a guy. It was about a year afterwards. For the record, I'm still inlove with him, and we still talk. I burned myself a second time, because I felt as though I had hurt him, when really, he was the one who had hurt me. Ofcourse I was a naive little girl, then. I've got about five more burns. Two are very recent. Recent, as in days ago recent. Anyways. The other three were scattered throughout the past few months. I burned myself about.. Three months ago, because of ex Sophie. The cute girl I wrote about on here not too long ago. I burned myself because I deserved it. I had asked her out. I had caused her to be harassed. It was my fault. I pursued her. And then, recently, the other two times were because I just simply felt guilty for someone else's depression. If I had somehow kept him in my grasp, then he would not have been hurt.
That's just simply how I felt. How I will always feel. I also feel as though I'm just a burden against my own family. If I hadn't been born, then none of this would have ever happened to my family. They wouldn't have had to move from TN. They would have been able to live there, happily. I wouldn't have caused them so much trouble. If I had just never been born, then they wouldn't have had to suffer through losing all this money that could have gone towards them.
I'm just a burden to my own family. I don't deserve to live.
Most people do it because it helps them. For me, I do it because I think I deserve the pain I am giving myself. It started when I was ten.
I.. I uh, started, because I had broken up with a guy that loved me, but I did not feel the same way. I hurt him, badly. So, I burned myself. It was just with the head of a lighter, too. The second time was when I had fallen inlove with a guy. It was about a year afterwards. For the record, I'm still inlove with him, and we still talk. I burned myself a second time, because I felt as though I had hurt him, when really, he was the one who had hurt me. Ofcourse I was a naive little girl, then. I've got about five more burns. Two are very recent. Recent, as in days ago recent. Anyways. The other three were scattered throughout the past few months. I burned myself about.. Three months ago, because of ex Sophie. The cute girl I wrote about on here not too long ago. I burned myself because I deserved it. I had asked her out. I had caused her to be harassed. It was my fault. I pursued her. And then, recently, the other two times were because I just simply felt guilty for someone else's depression. If I had somehow kept him in my grasp, then he would not have been hurt.
That's just simply how I felt. How I will always feel. I also feel as though I'm just a burden against my own family. If I hadn't been born, then none of this would have ever happened to my family. They wouldn't have had to move from TN. They would have been able to live there, happily. I wouldn't have caused them so much trouble. If I had just never been born, then they wouldn't have had to suffer through losing all this money that could have gone towards them.
I'm just a burden to my own family. I don't deserve to live.
Ups and Downs
I went backwards in progress. I gained a bit of weight. Only about 3 or 4 pounds, though. So it's not a huge setback. It did discourage me, but I'm not going to give up just because I gained. There are going to be times where you gain, and times where you lose. It's just a factor of life.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Laaaaaate
Sorry I didn't post earlier. I fell asleep after school from exhaustion.
Anyways. I'm running out of things to report on. I guess I could report on how my math teacher is fucking hot. Hnng.
Anyways. I'm running out of things to report on. I guess I could report on how my math teacher is fucking hot. Hnng.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
No name
Trusting someone is difficult as fuck for me. You put all of your faith into this person. You tell them everything about yourself. They have the power to leave, to tell everyone else how sick and how fucked up you are. Yet, you don't care. You don't care if they do, because you believe that they won't. You believe that they'll keep it to themselves.
I've confided some of my deepest secrets in people. Three people, to be exact. Christian, Elizabeth, and Diamond, my three best friends. None of them have said a word to anyone else about my secrets. That's the type of person you want to tell your secrets to. Then there are people who you tell them one thing, a really big thing, and they think you're disgusting and insane. They may be right, in one way or another. But, then they leave. They share that secret with someone. Then it spreads. It spreads like the plague.
I've confided some of my deepest secrets in people. Three people, to be exact. Christian, Elizabeth, and Diamond, my three best friends. None of them have said a word to anyone else about my secrets. That's the type of person you want to tell your secrets to. Then there are people who you tell them one thing, a really big thing, and they think you're disgusting and insane. They may be right, in one way or another. But, then they leave. They share that secret with someone. Then it spreads. It spreads like the plague.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Weee~
So. I scaled myself last night, and I weigh 262.2. I've lost 11lbs. But I broke my diet last night because I stayed over at a friend's house. Ah well. I hope it didn't do too much damage. I had fun last night, though.
With me having to walk to school every day (2.2 miles), keeping the weight off once I get it off is no problem, and getting it off this year shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'm really excited about my progress.
I haven't really changed my diet. I've just been staying under 1,000 calories a day. Taking my vitamins and making sure I get sources of every thing I need. Such as protein, calcium, etc. I'm thinking of getting protein bars the next time I'm at Wal-Mart just so I can have something to eat on my way to school, and I can get my protein for the day.
With me having to walk to school every day (2.2 miles), keeping the weight off once I get it off is no problem, and getting it off this year shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'm really excited about my progress.
I haven't really changed my diet. I've just been staying under 1,000 calories a day. Taking my vitamins and making sure I get sources of every thing I need. Such as protein, calcium, etc. I'm thinking of getting protein bars the next time I'm at Wal-Mart just so I can have something to eat on my way to school, and I can get my protein for the day.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Weight Update!
I'm down to 260. I haven't been here in a few months. So, to lose (about) ten pounds in such a short time makes me so excited, but also so worried. You're not supposed to lose so much in such a little amount of time. Oh well, I'll live. Hopefully. I will take a picture tomorrow, and post it. Y'know, of my stomach. I have alot of stretch marks. But, y'know, I don't care.
Anger.
I've never really yelled at someone. I've only yelled at someone, with an angry tone, once or twice. But I'm getting real close to another outburst. If one more person insults me, yells at me, or does anything that harms my self-esteem, attitude, or mood, I will yell at them, and make them seem like the piece of shit they are.
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