Thursday, August 30, 2012
Good Things All Around.
My sister's moving out, my boyfriend (Will), is visiting me earlier than Christmas, if possible, and my dad's getting a job. Everything's going great. I just have to ask myself, what it going to go wrong? Whenever everything goes great, it always goes bad at some point. I just hope that something bad doesn't happen for a while.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Quick Update
It's been a while since I last posted. It's mostly because by the end of the school day, I'm exhausted and I pass out. Sorry. And another thing is, that I won't be posting on the weekends. So I can give myself a bit of a break.
Anyways. I'm up to 2G. I weigh about 255. So I'm doing well in every front.
Except my dad's drinking again and being an asshole again. My sister also had her baby, they're home now.
Yep. That's it.
Anyways. I'm up to 2G. I weigh about 255. So I'm doing well in every front.
Except my dad's drinking again and being an asshole again. My sister also had her baby, they're home now.
Yep. That's it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Obese
I am obese. I currently weigh 264 pounds, and I stand at 5'8, 5'9. In order to be considered "healthy", I need to be about 160. I need to lose 100 pounds. It's possible, and I can do it. I just need to start eating protein bars. I have a protein deficiency. I'll get some protein bars at the store this weekend. There's usually 6 bars in a box, meaning I can do for about a week on one box. If I eat one a morning.
Another thing is, that I have gym every other day, so I'll be getting good exercise. 2 miles every day, plus a bit more. Whether it be just walking throughout the day, or gym activities, it would be good for me. I can walk to school easily in the mornings, but after school, I can't. So, all this exercise is good for me. Exercise is good no matter what, but it's especially useful right now.
I might even take advantage of the weight/cardio room we have at school. They allow students to stay after to use it from the end of school 'til like 5 or something. I 'unno. But I probably don't have enough time this school year. I'm doing debate this year. And I'll be participating in the local GSA if we can get it up and running again. I don't know.
Another thing is, that I have gym every other day, so I'll be getting good exercise. 2 miles every day, plus a bit more. Whether it be just walking throughout the day, or gym activities, it would be good for me. I can walk to school easily in the mornings, but after school, I can't. So, all this exercise is good for me. Exercise is good no matter what, but it's especially useful right now.
I might even take advantage of the weight/cardio room we have at school. They allow students to stay after to use it from the end of school 'til like 5 or something. I 'unno. But I probably don't have enough time this school year. I'm doing debate this year. And I'll be participating in the local GSA if we can get it up and running again. I don't know.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My Life (So Far)
This post will be long.
My existence seems like such a burden to my family. I know I talked about this last post, but, I didn't really elaborate on it. Atleast in my mind, I didn't. The only was to really explain why I'm such a burden is to go through all the moving we've gone through. "We" being my family.
At first we lived in Des Moines, IA. We lived there for about 8 years. We lived in three different places in Des Moines. One place was in a duplex. We lived there until I was about 2, I believe. I'm not sure why we moved from the duplex, but we moved from the duplex to a two story house. A yellow one, at that.
It's a shame that the recent owners painted it gray. It looked really pretty as a yellow house. I loved that house. Except for a certain thing that happened there, in my bedroom. Don't worry, it's nothing like sexual abuse.
My room was on the second story. All there was on the second floor was my bedroom, and my parents' bedroom. On the ground floor was the kitchen, living room, dining room, and guest room.
My sister, Saber, and her ex-husband, Micheal, stayed with us for a while. I don't remember how long, exactly, but it was probably about a year. Anyways, my sister had 3 kids at the time. Nick, Cory, and Brandon. At the time, Brandon was the youngest. She has a 4th kid, now. Not sure what his name is. Anyways, Cory is only two years younger than me. So, at the time he was 4 or 5. He used to bite my all the time. Maybe that's why I have some of the curved scars on my arms.
Well, I can't remember if it was before, during, or after my sister Saber's "visit", but my sister and I were up in my bedroom. Playing with my toys and such. Well, she told me to do something, and I refused. I don't even remember what it was, to be honest. Probably to clean up her mess, or something. Honestly, I've always been kind of a slave to her. Always doing what she wants because she was stronger than me. Always because I was afraid of getting hurt. But that day, I decided to say no, and defy her. That was not a good choice. She wrapped her arm around my neck, strangling me, and she put her free hand over my mouth and nose, strangling/suffocating me.
Aside from that, another reason why I'm not too fond of that house anymore, is because my favourite pet, Rocky, died there. He was a German Shepherd. He was beautiful. He was about 6 when we got him. He died when he was 8.
Anyways, we moved from the house to a townhouse. Back then, those townhouses were very well taken care of. Now, there's ridden with animals. Not actual animals, but humans that act like animals. There, I was walking back and forth to school with my friend, Afi, at the time. She was African. Her family also kept up the African culture. It was always fun to go over to her house. Anyways, one day while we were walking to school together, an older man, he looked like he was in her late twenties, early thirties, he stopped us and asked us where we were going. See, at that age, our parents hadn't actually taught us yet to not speak to strangers, but we knew better. We didn't talk to him, we just kept going. The one bad thing about that experience was, that he was exposing his dick. We were young, so we discarded it. Obviously he was a predator, but nothing really became of the situation. We were afraid to tell, but we told the principals at school two days later, after we had had time to process that he was a danger to our community. By that time, though, he had already left the town, so he wasn't actually caught. I don't remember much about what he looked like, he was wearing a sweatshirt, and that's all I remember. He was balding, too. So he may have been older than early thirties. Not sure what his car looked like, either.
Well, a little while after that experience, my family was forced to move to South Carolina. By then I was 8. We had to move to South Carolina because of my mother's parents. Well, her father, to be specific. He was dying. Of course, he died before we had the chance to get there. And sadly, her mother died about 6 months later, 3 days before my mother's birthday, July 23rd. There's really nothing to report about South Carolina. It was boring, and nothing interesting happened. Just the same bullshit from my sister. Actually, I don't remember much of Sierra being in South Carolina. I mean, I know she was there, but I don't remember her doing anything significant, except being a bitch. Also, my mother never paid me back the money I got for my birthday back in South Carolina. Fuck.
Anyways, after South Carolina, which we lived there for about 2 years, possibly three, we moved to Tennessee. Ah, Tennessee. It was horrible there. In more ways than one. First thing off, is that my dad was unemployed for about two years. Now, within those two years, my mother had to support us. By what else other than working as a waitress! She used her tips and paychecks to pay rent, cable, electricity, and water bills. A few things happened in TN. I was harassed because of many things: my weight, my race, my personality.
There were a few good things in Tennessee. Christian, Diamond, Reeana, Grace. Those are all friends I met down there. Reeana and Grace in school, and Christian and Diamond over Twitter. There was another guy I met while I lived there, I met him online, of course; Steven. But there's no use in talking about him anymore. I've done all I could for him, and he never showed that he cared.
Nonetheless, Christian and I dated for a little while. He helped me through some stuff. A lot of stuff, but we didn't date for long. We're still friends, by some miracle, and I hope we stay that way for a while longer. Diamond is my best friend. She and I had planned to run away together, despite her living a few states away. We had everything ready, too. But we choked at the last minute. She did, more so than I. I was ready to leave my entire family. But I couldn't leave my pets. We had a dog and cat. Nala, my cat, and Rocky II, my dog. I couldn't leave them behind. She couldn't leave her little sister. I would still like to run away. Anyways, that's really all for Tennessee. Except for the fact that my dad went to jail two times. I also forgot to mention that my dad and mother got in a fight in South Carolina, he went to jail for assault, and we left him, for whatever reason. He didn't assault her. It was self-defense. I witnessed it. But they don't put any faith in little girls.
I stayed over at Reeana's one night, and that was my dad's time to act. He broke up with my mother, got a divorce. Now, during that period, I was forced to stay with Reeana. Now, I've mentioned before what happened, but not in detail. We became attracted to each other sexually one day. We aroused one another, but it didn't go any farther than that. And it really hadn't until further down the line, but I'll get into that later. I stayed there for about 3 months. I spent my birthday with her family, and had an amazing time. I got a laptop for my birthday that year. The one I'm currently using that is dying, literally. That's been about two and a half years, probably more.
Well, about a month later, I was forced to move from her house, to Ankeny, IA, where I currently live in an apartment. Not much has happened since then. I'm currently a freshman. But, I think I should elaborate on the Reeana situation a little.
Well, after I moved back up to Iowa, I visited a few times. Both of those times, we had done sexual things. Only involving our breasts and fingers. The second time I visited her, I took her virginity. I'm not sure if she believes whether I did it or not, but I do. And it was special, for me. I loved her then, and I still do. But, after I wasn't able to visit her for her birthday last year, we grew apart. And that's when she got a new girlfriend. Now, would a person really do that? Really just get over the person that took their virginity? Or did she just not care? I don't know, and I'm not going to answer it.
But, anyways, that's my life, so far. And I regret alot of things. But they made me the person I am today, and that counts for something, right?
My existence seems like such a burden to my family. I know I talked about this last post, but, I didn't really elaborate on it. Atleast in my mind, I didn't. The only was to really explain why I'm such a burden is to go through all the moving we've gone through. "We" being my family.
At first we lived in Des Moines, IA. We lived there for about 8 years. We lived in three different places in Des Moines. One place was in a duplex. We lived there until I was about 2, I believe. I'm not sure why we moved from the duplex, but we moved from the duplex to a two story house. A yellow one, at that.
It's a shame that the recent owners painted it gray. It looked really pretty as a yellow house. I loved that house. Except for a certain thing that happened there, in my bedroom. Don't worry, it's nothing like sexual abuse.
My room was on the second story. All there was on the second floor was my bedroom, and my parents' bedroom. On the ground floor was the kitchen, living room, dining room, and guest room.
My sister, Saber, and her ex-husband, Micheal, stayed with us for a while. I don't remember how long, exactly, but it was probably about a year. Anyways, my sister had 3 kids at the time. Nick, Cory, and Brandon. At the time, Brandon was the youngest. She has a 4th kid, now. Not sure what his name is. Anyways, Cory is only two years younger than me. So, at the time he was 4 or 5. He used to bite my all the time. Maybe that's why I have some of the curved scars on my arms.
Well, I can't remember if it was before, during, or after my sister Saber's "visit", but my sister and I were up in my bedroom. Playing with my toys and such. Well, she told me to do something, and I refused. I don't even remember what it was, to be honest. Probably to clean up her mess, or something. Honestly, I've always been kind of a slave to her. Always doing what she wants because she was stronger than me. Always because I was afraid of getting hurt. But that day, I decided to say no, and defy her. That was not a good choice. She wrapped her arm around my neck, strangling me, and she put her free hand over my mouth and nose, strangling/suffocating me.
Aside from that, another reason why I'm not too fond of that house anymore, is because my favourite pet, Rocky, died there. He was a German Shepherd. He was beautiful. He was about 6 when we got him. He died when he was 8.
Anyways, we moved from the house to a townhouse. Back then, those townhouses were very well taken care of. Now, there's ridden with animals. Not actual animals, but humans that act like animals. There, I was walking back and forth to school with my friend, Afi, at the time. She was African. Her family also kept up the African culture. It was always fun to go over to her house. Anyways, one day while we were walking to school together, an older man, he looked like he was in her late twenties, early thirties, he stopped us and asked us where we were going. See, at that age, our parents hadn't actually taught us yet to not speak to strangers, but we knew better. We didn't talk to him, we just kept going. The one bad thing about that experience was, that he was exposing his dick. We were young, so we discarded it. Obviously he was a predator, but nothing really became of the situation. We were afraid to tell, but we told the principals at school two days later, after we had had time to process that he was a danger to our community. By that time, though, he had already left the town, so he wasn't actually caught. I don't remember much about what he looked like, he was wearing a sweatshirt, and that's all I remember. He was balding, too. So he may have been older than early thirties. Not sure what his car looked like, either.
Well, a little while after that experience, my family was forced to move to South Carolina. By then I was 8. We had to move to South Carolina because of my mother's parents. Well, her father, to be specific. He was dying. Of course, he died before we had the chance to get there. And sadly, her mother died about 6 months later, 3 days before my mother's birthday, July 23rd. There's really nothing to report about South Carolina. It was boring, and nothing interesting happened. Just the same bullshit from my sister. Actually, I don't remember much of Sierra being in South Carolina. I mean, I know she was there, but I don't remember her doing anything significant, except being a bitch. Also, my mother never paid me back the money I got for my birthday back in South Carolina. Fuck.
Anyways, after South Carolina, which we lived there for about 2 years, possibly three, we moved to Tennessee. Ah, Tennessee. It was horrible there. In more ways than one. First thing off, is that my dad was unemployed for about two years. Now, within those two years, my mother had to support us. By what else other than working as a waitress! She used her tips and paychecks to pay rent, cable, electricity, and water bills. A few things happened in TN. I was harassed because of many things: my weight, my race, my personality.
There were a few good things in Tennessee. Christian, Diamond, Reeana, Grace. Those are all friends I met down there. Reeana and Grace in school, and Christian and Diamond over Twitter. There was another guy I met while I lived there, I met him online, of course; Steven. But there's no use in talking about him anymore. I've done all I could for him, and he never showed that he cared.
Nonetheless, Christian and I dated for a little while. He helped me through some stuff. A lot of stuff, but we didn't date for long. We're still friends, by some miracle, and I hope we stay that way for a while longer. Diamond is my best friend. She and I had planned to run away together, despite her living a few states away. We had everything ready, too. But we choked at the last minute. She did, more so than I. I was ready to leave my entire family. But I couldn't leave my pets. We had a dog and cat. Nala, my cat, and Rocky II, my dog. I couldn't leave them behind. She couldn't leave her little sister. I would still like to run away. Anyways, that's really all for Tennessee. Except for the fact that my dad went to jail two times. I also forgot to mention that my dad and mother got in a fight in South Carolina, he went to jail for assault, and we left him, for whatever reason. He didn't assault her. It was self-defense. I witnessed it. But they don't put any faith in little girls.
I stayed over at Reeana's one night, and that was my dad's time to act. He broke up with my mother, got a divorce. Now, during that period, I was forced to stay with Reeana. Now, I've mentioned before what happened, but not in detail. We became attracted to each other sexually one day. We aroused one another, but it didn't go any farther than that. And it really hadn't until further down the line, but I'll get into that later. I stayed there for about 3 months. I spent my birthday with her family, and had an amazing time. I got a laptop for my birthday that year. The one I'm currently using that is dying, literally. That's been about two and a half years, probably more.
Well, about a month later, I was forced to move from her house, to Ankeny, IA, where I currently live in an apartment. Not much has happened since then. I'm currently a freshman. But, I think I should elaborate on the Reeana situation a little.
Well, after I moved back up to Iowa, I visited a few times. Both of those times, we had done sexual things. Only involving our breasts and fingers. The second time I visited her, I took her virginity. I'm not sure if she believes whether I did it or not, but I do. And it was special, for me. I loved her then, and I still do. But, after I wasn't able to visit her for her birthday last year, we grew apart. And that's when she got a new girlfriend. Now, would a person really do that? Really just get over the person that took their virginity? Or did she just not care? I don't know, and I'm not going to answer it.
But, anyways, that's my life, so far. And I regret alot of things. But they made me the person I am today, and that counts for something, right?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Self-Harm
Self-harm is not limited to things such as: burning yourself, cutting yourself, etc. Self-harming is just you mutilating yourself either physically or mentally. I do burn myself. Not frequently, but somewhat often.
Most people do it because it helps them. For me, I do it because I think I deserve the pain I am giving myself. It started when I was ten.
I.. I uh, started, because I had broken up with a guy that loved me, but I did not feel the same way. I hurt him, badly. So, I burned myself. It was just with the head of a lighter, too. The second time was when I had fallen inlove with a guy. It was about a year afterwards. For the record, I'm still inlove with him, and we still talk. I burned myself a second time, because I felt as though I had hurt him, when really, he was the one who had hurt me. Ofcourse I was a naive little girl, then. I've got about five more burns. Two are very recent. Recent, as in days ago recent. Anyways. The other three were scattered throughout the past few months. I burned myself about.. Three months ago, because of ex Sophie. The cute girl I wrote about on here not too long ago. I burned myself because I deserved it. I had asked her out. I had caused her to be harassed. It was my fault. I pursued her. And then, recently, the other two times were because I just simply felt guilty for someone else's depression. If I had somehow kept him in my grasp, then he would not have been hurt.
That's just simply how I felt. How I will always feel. I also feel as though I'm just a burden against my own family. If I hadn't been born, then none of this would have ever happened to my family. They wouldn't have had to move from TN. They would have been able to live there, happily. I wouldn't have caused them so much trouble. If I had just never been born, then they wouldn't have had to suffer through losing all this money that could have gone towards them.
I'm just a burden to my own family. I don't deserve to live.
Most people do it because it helps them. For me, I do it because I think I deserve the pain I am giving myself. It started when I was ten.
I.. I uh, started, because I had broken up with a guy that loved me, but I did not feel the same way. I hurt him, badly. So, I burned myself. It was just with the head of a lighter, too. The second time was when I had fallen inlove with a guy. It was about a year afterwards. For the record, I'm still inlove with him, and we still talk. I burned myself a second time, because I felt as though I had hurt him, when really, he was the one who had hurt me. Ofcourse I was a naive little girl, then. I've got about five more burns. Two are very recent. Recent, as in days ago recent. Anyways. The other three were scattered throughout the past few months. I burned myself about.. Three months ago, because of ex Sophie. The cute girl I wrote about on here not too long ago. I burned myself because I deserved it. I had asked her out. I had caused her to be harassed. It was my fault. I pursued her. And then, recently, the other two times were because I just simply felt guilty for someone else's depression. If I had somehow kept him in my grasp, then he would not have been hurt.
That's just simply how I felt. How I will always feel. I also feel as though I'm just a burden against my own family. If I hadn't been born, then none of this would have ever happened to my family. They wouldn't have had to move from TN. They would have been able to live there, happily. I wouldn't have caused them so much trouble. If I had just never been born, then they wouldn't have had to suffer through losing all this money that could have gone towards them.
I'm just a burden to my own family. I don't deserve to live.
Ups and Downs
I went backwards in progress. I gained a bit of weight. Only about 3 or 4 pounds, though. So it's not a huge setback. It did discourage me, but I'm not going to give up just because I gained. There are going to be times where you gain, and times where you lose. It's just a factor of life.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Laaaaaate
Sorry I didn't post earlier. I fell asleep after school from exhaustion.
Anyways. I'm running out of things to report on. I guess I could report on how my math teacher is fucking hot. Hnng.
Anyways. I'm running out of things to report on. I guess I could report on how my math teacher is fucking hot. Hnng.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
No name
Trusting someone is difficult as fuck for me. You put all of your faith into this person. You tell them everything about yourself. They have the power to leave, to tell everyone else how sick and how fucked up you are. Yet, you don't care. You don't care if they do, because you believe that they won't. You believe that they'll keep it to themselves.
I've confided some of my deepest secrets in people. Three people, to be exact. Christian, Elizabeth, and Diamond, my three best friends. None of them have said a word to anyone else about my secrets. That's the type of person you want to tell your secrets to. Then there are people who you tell them one thing, a really big thing, and they think you're disgusting and insane. They may be right, in one way or another. But, then they leave. They share that secret with someone. Then it spreads. It spreads like the plague.
I've confided some of my deepest secrets in people. Three people, to be exact. Christian, Elizabeth, and Diamond, my three best friends. None of them have said a word to anyone else about my secrets. That's the type of person you want to tell your secrets to. Then there are people who you tell them one thing, a really big thing, and they think you're disgusting and insane. They may be right, in one way or another. But, then they leave. They share that secret with someone. Then it spreads. It spreads like the plague.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Weee~
So. I scaled myself last night, and I weigh 262.2. I've lost 11lbs. But I broke my diet last night because I stayed over at a friend's house. Ah well. I hope it didn't do too much damage. I had fun last night, though.
With me having to walk to school every day (2.2 miles), keeping the weight off once I get it off is no problem, and getting it off this year shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'm really excited about my progress.
I haven't really changed my diet. I've just been staying under 1,000 calories a day. Taking my vitamins and making sure I get sources of every thing I need. Such as protein, calcium, etc. I'm thinking of getting protein bars the next time I'm at Wal-Mart just so I can have something to eat on my way to school, and I can get my protein for the day.
With me having to walk to school every day (2.2 miles), keeping the weight off once I get it off is no problem, and getting it off this year shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'm really excited about my progress.
I haven't really changed my diet. I've just been staying under 1,000 calories a day. Taking my vitamins and making sure I get sources of every thing I need. Such as protein, calcium, etc. I'm thinking of getting protein bars the next time I'm at Wal-Mart just so I can have something to eat on my way to school, and I can get my protein for the day.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Weight Update!
I'm down to 260. I haven't been here in a few months. So, to lose (about) ten pounds in such a short time makes me so excited, but also so worried. You're not supposed to lose so much in such a little amount of time. Oh well, I'll live. Hopefully. I will take a picture tomorrow, and post it. Y'know, of my stomach. I have alot of stretch marks. But, y'know, I don't care.
Anger.
I've never really yelled at someone. I've only yelled at someone, with an angry tone, once or twice. But I'm getting real close to another outburst. If one more person insults me, yells at me, or does anything that harms my self-esteem, attitude, or mood, I will yell at them, and make them seem like the piece of shit they are.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Schedule.
There are two things to say on this topic. One, I'll be writing posts and scheduling them according to what ever day it is, so they'll post at a certain time.
And two, I like my schedule for school. The only class I'll have problems with are P.E/Health. Only because the majority of my class is preppy chicks. Let me give you some dialogue from today.
"Hi, Summer!"
"Hi."
"Do you like me?"
"Nope."
"Why don't you like me?"
"You're too preppy, too obnoxious, and overall your personality is excruciatingly terrible."
"Just because I'm happy doesn't mean you have to hate me." And she turned around.
There's a difference between being happy and being preppy. So go fuck yourself, sweetheart.
And two, I like my schedule for school. The only class I'll have problems with are P.E/Health. Only because the majority of my class is preppy chicks. Let me give you some dialogue from today.
"Hi, Summer!"
"Hi."
"Do you like me?"
"Nope."
"Why don't you like me?"
"You're too preppy, too obnoxious, and overall your personality is excruciatingly terrible."
"Just because I'm happy doesn't mean you have to hate me." And she turned around.
There's a difference between being happy and being preppy. So go fuck yourself, sweetheart.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Hell.
Tomorrow (my first day of school) is going to be hell. Don't mind me, just freaking out because I can't stand the majority of people at my school.
Welp.
On a less depressing note, I'm able to get five pairs of tapers. To stretch my earlobes with. Unf. <3
I'm stretching them, mainly, just for fun. I don't see why not. I know most people think that "gauging" or "stretching" your earlobes is stupid, and it is, but I don't care. I just want to see how large it'll take me to get caught doing it. My parents don't want me to do it. Well, my dad doesn't. My mom doesn't care. It's mainly just to see how long it'll take my dad to notice. I'm currently at a size 6. I'll be going as large as half an inch. The numbers get smaller as you get larger, but once you get to 00G, then it starts increasing again. Don't ask me why it does that, I dunno'. But yeah. This is just something that lit up my day. :3
I'm stretching them, mainly, just for fun. I don't see why not. I know most people think that "gauging" or "stretching" your earlobes is stupid, and it is, but I don't care. I just want to see how large it'll take me to get caught doing it. My parents don't want me to do it. Well, my dad doesn't. My mom doesn't care. It's mainly just to see how long it'll take my dad to notice. I'm currently at a size 6. I'll be going as large as half an inch. The numbers get smaller as you get larger, but once you get to 00G, then it starts increasing again. Don't ask me why it does that, I dunno'. But yeah. This is just something that lit up my day. :3
Red Thread
You know that myth that says there's an invisible red string (piece of thread) wrapped around your index finger, and wrapped around your "soul mate"'s finger? Well, I "cut" that thread last night. I wouldn't say he's my "soul mate", but it felt like it. Oh well. I don't care anymore. I was sick of his bullshit. He obviously didn't care.
I'm done, Steven. Done.
I'm done, Steven. Done.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Forgive Me.
So, my dad's pissed off at me for being a human being who forgets things until the last minute. I forgot my trumpet at school over the summer, and he won't stop asking about it. Every time he asks, this rage builds up inside me, and then I just fall apart on the inside.
I'm sorry I'm forgetful. Forgive me?
I'm sorry I'm forgetful. Forgive me?
Rage.
You know how animals whimper? Well, that's basically what I do every time someone says something that either insults me, or just upsets me in general. And if they hear me, they proceed to ask what the fuck's wrong with me. I honestly just want to list the things off to them. And I just might do that this year. Fucking rage on everyone that insults me. I just can't handle people this year. And I refuse to. If I get sent the principal's office, so fucking what? I just refuse to handle bullshit this year.
People repeatedly called me names such as slut, whore, goth chick, fat chick, dyke, etc last year. I'm sick of it. I'm not going to deal with it anymore.
This is how people eventually end up; it's all because of the bullshit they have to handle. Well, no more.
People repeatedly called me names such as slut, whore, goth chick, fat chick, dyke, etc last year. I'm sick of it. I'm not going to deal with it anymore.
This is how people eventually end up; it's all because of the bullshit they have to handle. Well, no more.
Shorty, Short, Short, Short
Fuck, I love "Moulin Rouge". It's amazing an amazing movie. It's literally the only thing that makes me happy.
Okay. I'm done with my happy talk. Have a cute picture of filly Vinyl Scratch.
Okay. I'm done with my happy talk. Have a cute picture of filly Vinyl Scratch.
School.
I would have liked to change before school started, but I guess I can't. I have exactly the same amount of clothes I did last school year. Why? Because my mother would rather spend money on herself and my sister than on me who really needs it. I'm bitching, yes, but only because I have so few clothes. Also because my mother promised me some new clothes, but didn't own up to it. My dad's broke and can't get me anything, so basically I'm stuck with nothing for this school year.
Rambling
Nothing special to say today, really. Just a little update.. Thingy. Since I'll be eating less than 1,200 calories a day, I'll need to take vitamins. I have a bottle of vitamins, so that's good. I'll also need to eat protein bars. Too bad I don't have any. I need some. That, or I just make sure that I get atleast 50 grams of protein from the food I eat. Since I'm a vegetarian, I haven't been getting protein from meat, so all I've got are beans, peanuts, and other things I can't think of because I just woke up.
I'm hoping I get down to a size.. 20, by December. My friend's supposed to be visiting me for Christmas, so I want to make sure I look good for him. I may even continue past 60 pounds. I'm feeling really hopeful about all of this. I know I'll get discouraged most of the time, but, you know, I don't care. I'm actually going to do this.
I love how this blog has turned from feelings to losing weight. I like it, really.
I'm hoping I get down to a size.. 20, by December. My friend's supposed to be visiting me for Christmas, so I want to make sure I look good for him. I may even continue past 60 pounds. I'm feeling really hopeful about all of this. I know I'll get discouraged most of the time, but, you know, I don't care. I'm actually going to do this.
I love how this blog has turned from feelings to losing weight. I like it, really.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Ten Year Old Self
So, I saw on Facebook a post that said "Write a letter to your ten year old self." And I'm going to take the liberty of doing so here.
Dear Summer,
I honestly don't remember much about the tenth year of our life, but I remember that you'll meet this guy. For the time being I'll just call him.. C. So, you'll fall inlove with him. But, not too much long after you guys have the most amazing connection, he'll want to break up with you. Do everything in your power to to keep him from doing so. If he resists, let him go. But don't cry. I know how hard that sounds, but try not to. Oh, and, you'll get a snow globe of Vegas. Don't put it on that dresser. Put it in a box and cherish it for the rest of your goddamned life. Also, stand up to Sierra as much as possible. Don't let her get to you. It'll get better.
Dad'll go to jail for sticking up for you. He'll get accused of having a gun (even though the police searched our house and came up with nothing.) Everything'll be okay. Money will be tight, but that's okay. Money's always going to be tight when Mom and Sierra are around.
When you get into Central, don't be too obnoxious. Oh, and, keep Cassandra around.
Also, don't let Reeana go. Give her as much attention as possible. You'll know when to, trust me. You'll stay over at her house one night, and in the morning, Daddy comes over and tells you that you have to stay at Reeana's for a few weeks. You only get to see him every once in a while, but it's worth it.
Well, while you stay over at Reeana's, remember to be polite. Oh, and, don't fuck with that Wii. Things'll go bad if you do. You'll hit someone because they got a little bit too close. Anyways. You'll be lying in bed with Reeana, cuddling. Just cuddle.
When Dad tells you that you'll be moving back up to Iowa, say okay, don't cry. When you guys get up to Iowa, keep in touch with Reeana. Don't let her go. Make sure you tell her that you love her, when the time's right, of course.
That's pretty much it, sweetie. Take care.
Love,
Yourself
Dear Summer,
I honestly don't remember much about the tenth year of our life, but I remember that you'll meet this guy. For the time being I'll just call him.. C. So, you'll fall inlove with him. But, not too much long after you guys have the most amazing connection, he'll want to break up with you. Do everything in your power to to keep him from doing so. If he resists, let him go. But don't cry. I know how hard that sounds, but try not to. Oh, and, you'll get a snow globe of Vegas. Don't put it on that dresser. Put it in a box and cherish it for the rest of your goddamned life. Also, stand up to Sierra as much as possible. Don't let her get to you. It'll get better.
Dad'll go to jail for sticking up for you. He'll get accused of having a gun (even though the police searched our house and came up with nothing.) Everything'll be okay. Money will be tight, but that's okay. Money's always going to be tight when Mom and Sierra are around.
When you get into Central, don't be too obnoxious. Oh, and, keep Cassandra around.
Also, don't let Reeana go. Give her as much attention as possible. You'll know when to, trust me. You'll stay over at her house one night, and in the morning, Daddy comes over and tells you that you have to stay at Reeana's for a few weeks. You only get to see him every once in a while, but it's worth it.
Well, while you stay over at Reeana's, remember to be polite. Oh, and, don't fuck with that Wii. Things'll go bad if you do. You'll hit someone because they got a little bit too close. Anyways. You'll be lying in bed with Reeana, cuddling. Just cuddle.
When Dad tells you that you'll be moving back up to Iowa, say okay, don't cry. When you guys get up to Iowa, keep in touch with Reeana. Don't let her go. Make sure you tell her that you love her, when the time's right, of course.
That's pretty much it, sweetie. Take care.
Love,
Yourself
Expectations
I don't expect to get down to a size 2 from losing weight. I really only want to get down to a size.. 16? Yeah. A size 16. Possibly 14. Because that's what I used to be. A few years ago. These past three years have really caused me to put on alot of weight. And , y'know, that's okay. It's okay to put on weight. As long as you realize what went wrong and fix it. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fix it. And if all goes well, then I'll have lost the weight I want to by.. February? Yeah. I used a calorie calculator. For losing weight. In order to lose the weight I want to in 6 months, I am allowed to eat about 1100 calories a day with moderate exercise every day. So, I can do this. I will do this. I'm sick of being overweight. Sure, it'll change people's opinions of me, but I don't plan on changing my opinion of them. The people that have always harassed be and abused me for being overweight will not have any recognition from me whatsoever. Fuck 'em.
I have a scale here at home. But it's one that isn't as precise as it should be. Meaning it doesn't show the decimal points. And I'm okay with that. It'll be a bit discouraging some days, when I work really, really hard and it shows no progress. Oh well. But, in order to lose weight, I'll need to get 8 hours of sleep every night. That'll be difficult for me, but oh well. I can do it.
I know it's okay to be larger, as long as you're at a healthy weight. Well, I'm not at a healthy weight. And I'm changing it. I need to. Another good thing, besides losing weight, is that my family won't insult me anymore. Well, I wouldn't say anymore, but they won't be able to poke fun at my weight. They can poke fun at the fact that I'm anti-social, bitchy, and whiny, but they will not be able to poke fun at my weight. I'm sick of being considered lazy when just because I'm overweight. People also automatically assume that because I'm larger, that I eat more. Guess what, assholes! That assumption is completely false. I eat next to nothing the majority of the time. Mostly because I feel self-conscious every time I do eat.
That's besides the point. I'm changing the way I live my life. I'm going to be more active. I'm going to change everything. Except for my personality and my style. I'm keeping my friends, too. They're amazing. They've helped me through a lot, and they'll help me through this.
I have a scale here at home. But it's one that isn't as precise as it should be. Meaning it doesn't show the decimal points. And I'm okay with that. It'll be a bit discouraging some days, when I work really, really hard and it shows no progress. Oh well. But, in order to lose weight, I'll need to get 8 hours of sleep every night. That'll be difficult for me, but oh well. I can do it.
I know it's okay to be larger, as long as you're at a healthy weight. Well, I'm not at a healthy weight. And I'm changing it. I need to. Another good thing, besides losing weight, is that my family won't insult me anymore. Well, I wouldn't say anymore, but they won't be able to poke fun at my weight. They can poke fun at the fact that I'm anti-social, bitchy, and whiny, but they will not be able to poke fun at my weight. I'm sick of being considered lazy when just because I'm overweight. People also automatically assume that because I'm larger, that I eat more. Guess what, assholes! That assumption is completely false. I eat next to nothing the majority of the time. Mostly because I feel self-conscious every time I do eat.
That's besides the point. I'm changing the way I live my life. I'm going to be more active. I'm going to change everything. Except for my personality and my style. I'm keeping my friends, too. They're amazing. They've helped me through a lot, and they'll help me through this.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
A New Plan
I'll be losing weight. I'll be exercising every other day, possibly every day. I need to lose weight. I weigh 273lbs and I stand 5 feet 8 inches tall. I eat once to twice a day. I'm going to be going on a diet. Eating three times a day, and only 800 calories per day, walking every day for around 2 hours. I can do it. I want to lose 30lbs in three months. 10lbs a month is a good goal, right? So, I think I can do it. I just need to buy a new scale. A digital one that shows decimals. Because you can get easily discouraged if you have a regular scale, and it's says you didn't lose weight, when you really did.
I'm thinking of posting pictures of myself, you know, my belly and stuff. When it's noticable, anyways. I really only want to lose about.. 60lbs. Then I'd be considered to be at a healthy weight. I'm currently at a BMI of 41.5. If I lose about.. 15% of my body weight, then I'd have a healthy BMI. A healthy BMI for women is ranged from 18.5 to 24.9.
It'll take me 6 months to do it, but it's so fucking worth it.
I'm thinking of posting pictures of myself, you know, my belly and stuff. When it's noticable, anyways. I really only want to lose about.. 60lbs. Then I'd be considered to be at a healthy weight. I'm currently at a BMI of 41.5. If I lose about.. 15% of my body weight, then I'd have a healthy BMI. A healthy BMI for women is ranged from 18.5 to 24.9.
It'll take me 6 months to do it, but it's so fucking worth it.
Loves Me.. Not?
Love isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's not all smiles. You'll fall inlove with someone, and they may not love you back. It's not what the movies make it out to be. There will be heartbreak. I know.
You'll fall inlove with someone. They may love you back, but there is always that chance that they're just using you. Get to know someone before you get into a relationship with them. Be their friend first. Another thing to mention is to make sure that you're giving effort into it, as well as your partner. A relationship cannot function if someone is giving everything, and the other is just taking. You both have to give.
.. Maybe I should take this advice myself. Maybe I should end it with him.. I mean, we're not actually dating. But we're involved. His name is Steven. He's around my age, but it's a long distance relationship. As are most of my relationships. I've been inlove with him for years. We've dated a few times, but it's always gone wrong. We love one another, but dating has just never worked out. Maybe I should just.. Just end this. I don't know if I want to put him out of the equation yet. I still love him. But it's not going anywhere. And it won't. He's not the passionate type. He's not the one to open up. I basically have to beat him to get him to say "I love you". He loves me, and I know that. He just doesn't show it.
I'll think about ending it.
You'll fall inlove with someone. They may love you back, but there is always that chance that they're just using you. Get to know someone before you get into a relationship with them. Be their friend first. Another thing to mention is to make sure that you're giving effort into it, as well as your partner. A relationship cannot function if someone is giving everything, and the other is just taking. You both have to give.
.. Maybe I should take this advice myself. Maybe I should end it with him.. I mean, we're not actually dating. But we're involved. His name is Steven. He's around my age, but it's a long distance relationship. As are most of my relationships. I've been inlove with him for years. We've dated a few times, but it's always gone wrong. We love one another, but dating has just never worked out. Maybe I should just.. Just end this. I don't know if I want to put him out of the equation yet. I still love him. But it's not going anywhere. And it won't. He's not the passionate type. He's not the one to open up. I basically have to beat him to get him to say "I love you". He loves me, and I know that. He just doesn't show it.
I'll think about ending it.
Fuck.
Apparently if my current laptop dies, I'm never getting another. According to my dad. I'm really counting on a friend of mine. He's visiting me for Christmas, and he's supposed to get me a new one. I still really doubt he's actually going to come visit me. But I've got to have hope. I've got to believe that he'll come. If he doesn't, then I don't think I'll be able to trust him again.
I disappoint alot of people, and alot of people disappoint me. But I've got to believe that he'll be different. That he'll stick to his promise..
I disappoint alot of people, and alot of people disappoint me. But I've got to believe that he'll be different. That he'll stick to his promise..
Friday, August 10, 2012
Fetishes
Every person has a fetish for a reason. It's just linked to something in the back of their mind. Some people may not know why they have a certain fetish, but way back in that brain of theirs, they know. They just don't have the mental capacity to realize it. And when they do realize it, then they'll be a peace with said fetish.
I have a fetish that is said to be, well, gross, to say the least. I'm not going to say what it is, because my best friend reads this. Or said she would. Anyways. I have that fetish for a reason, and I know what that reason is. But despite knowing it, I'm not at peace with the fact that I have it. I've only met one other person that had it, and he and I didn't get along very well. The man I love (yet am not dating), is not okay with it, but he still loves me for me. I don't understand why he loves me, but nevertheless.
Fetishes are common. Fetishes are normal.
I have a fetish that is said to be, well, gross, to say the least. I'm not going to say what it is, because my best friend reads this. Or said she would. Anyways. I have that fetish for a reason, and I know what that reason is. But despite knowing it, I'm not at peace with the fact that I have it. I've only met one other person that had it, and he and I didn't get along very well. The man I love (yet am not dating), is not okay with it, but he still loves me for me. I don't understand why he loves me, but nevertheless.
Fetishes are common. Fetishes are normal.
Just Something Quick
I really don't care if anyone reads this or not. This is a personal blog. As personal as a blog could possibly get. I'm not doing it for fame. I'm doing it for myself. I'm doing it to get things out of my mind. It's for stress relief.
I Don't Know
I don't know what to do with myself.
I've only had one local relationship. The rest have been long distance. That one local relationships lasted a month. She was adorable. She was perfect. I miss her. She was gender fluid. Gender fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. She didn't mind that I was overweight, or that I was too emotional, or that I self-harmed. While I was dating her, I never had suicidal thoughts. I didn't feel like I was worthless. I had no negative thoughts. Of course we had to hide our relationship from our parents, because they're both narrow minded bigots. But, nonetheless, we had fun during our relationship. She was insane. She had the entire book The Lorax by Dr. Seuss memorized. She had an unhealthy obsession with the Once-ler. She read Homestuck, and tried to get me to read it. But, I just couldn't get into it.
Anyways. We dated for a month. She was one of the best things that happened to me. She boosted my confidence, but ofcourse it then got shot down by my family. They continually asked, "What the fuck happened to you?" But I couldn't answer, because if I did, then I would get a good talking to. When the relationship ended, I proceeded to cry at every moment I got. Even infront of my friends, which I didn't normally do.
All of my friends were supportive of our same sex relationship. I told all of my friends. I didn't mind people at school knowing because every I knew was supportive for us. They all thought we were a cute couple.
I know I won't get another chance with anyone here. Everyone here thinks I'm too rough around the edges to be sensitive to someone. But I can be. I can..
I've only had one local relationship. The rest have been long distance. That one local relationships lasted a month. She was adorable. She was perfect. I miss her. She was gender fluid. Gender fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. She didn't mind that I was overweight, or that I was too emotional, or that I self-harmed. While I was dating her, I never had suicidal thoughts. I didn't feel like I was worthless. I had no negative thoughts. Of course we had to hide our relationship from our parents, because they're both narrow minded bigots. But, nonetheless, we had fun during our relationship. She was insane. She had the entire book The Lorax by Dr. Seuss memorized. She had an unhealthy obsession with the Once-ler. She read Homestuck, and tried to get me to read it. But, I just couldn't get into it.
Anyways. We dated for a month. She was one of the best things that happened to me. She boosted my confidence, but ofcourse it then got shot down by my family. They continually asked, "What the fuck happened to you?" But I couldn't answer, because if I did, then I would get a good talking to. When the relationship ended, I proceeded to cry at every moment I got. Even infront of my friends, which I didn't normally do.
All of my friends were supportive of our same sex relationship. I told all of my friends. I didn't mind people at school knowing because every I knew was supportive for us. They all thought we were a cute couple.
I know I won't get another chance with anyone here. Everyone here thinks I'm too rough around the edges to be sensitive to someone. But I can be. I can..
Thursday, August 9, 2012
A Horrific Summer
A few things happened this summer:
1. I gained weight.
2. My laptop's hinges fucked up.
3. My dad quit his job and refuses to get a new one. Also, if I bring up the topic to put some sense into his mind, he just tells me everything will be alright.
Nothing is going to be alright. My mother averages about $100 a week from her job. My sister's going into labor soon, which means maternity leave, so no money from her. My dad was the bread winner. Now it's my mother. And she's the only one working. My family won't let me get a job for two reasons. One, because they want to keep their precious EBT (aka food stamps). Two, because I have school I should be more worried about.
I know I shouldn't worry about it all, but I have to. I have little to no clothes, my laptop is about to die out on me, and we (most likely) won't be able to make rent next month. What am I supposed to do?
1. I gained weight.
2. My laptop's hinges fucked up.
3. My dad quit his job and refuses to get a new one. Also, if I bring up the topic to put some sense into his mind, he just tells me everything will be alright.
Nothing is going to be alright. My mother averages about $100 a week from her job. My sister's going into labor soon, which means maternity leave, so no money from her. My dad was the bread winner. Now it's my mother. And she's the only one working. My family won't let me get a job for two reasons. One, because they want to keep their precious EBT (aka food stamps). Two, because I have school I should be more worried about.
I know I shouldn't worry about it all, but I have to. I have little to no clothes, my laptop is about to die out on me, and we (most likely) won't be able to make rent next month. What am I supposed to do?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Introductions
Hi. This blog will serve really no other purpose than to be a journal. I will try to keep up with daily posts, if I fail to, you are allowed to email me, and annoy me as much as you want. Assuming people actually read this shit at one point in time.
So. First off, my name is Roxanne. No, it is not my real name, but I prefer to go by it, so deal with it. I'm a whiny, hormonal teenage disaster who tends to fall in love with men twice her age -- well, not twice. More like 6-7 years older. Second, I am a brony (bro pony). Or, you could call me a pegasister. I'm not sure if pegasister is the "official" term, but I don't care. Anyhow, thirdly, I am a gamer. Mostly horror survival games, indie games, and puzzle games; 'cause I'm weird like that.
I do have other social networks, I will have them up in my blog description, for those people who may want to actually talk to me.
So. First off, my name is Roxanne. No, it is not my real name, but I prefer to go by it, so deal with it. I'm a whiny, hormonal teenage disaster who tends to fall in love with men twice her age -- well, not twice. More like 6-7 years older. Second, I am a brony (bro pony). Or, you could call me a pegasister. I'm not sure if pegasister is the "official" term, but I don't care. Anyhow, thirdly, I am a gamer. Mostly horror survival games, indie games, and puzzle games; 'cause I'm weird like that.
I do have other social networks, I will have them up in my blog description, for those people who may want to actually talk to me.
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